Why I’ve decided to refer to myself as “Queer” (A Tumblr Crosspost):

[capri0mni]

I've said similar things, here, before, but this was a relatively fresh insight when a couple more puzzle pieces clicked into place (namely, the pan- and poly- bits)

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One: Before the word had a specific connection to sexual orientation and/or gender identity, “Queer” meant “odd” or “askew from the conventional framework,” and was often used to refer to neurodiverse and disabled people.

I am physically disabled, from birth, with a neurologically-caused disability. During my time, growing up, disabled people were (and still are) perceived and treated as if we have no sexual agency or even any sexual aspect at all. This cultural context clouded my own perception of what my orientation actually is.

It is very likely that, even if I were born and grew up able-bodied and neurotypical, I still would have been “not Straight.” But that is a hypothetical that can never be tested. And I know for a fact that the manner of my “not Straightness” has been shaped by my experience as a disabled woman.

So I choose the label “queer” as a form of solidarity with all the ghosts of my disabled forebears, and to express pride in our shared experience of living skewed lives.

Two: Back when I assumed I was straight, and trying (very hard) to form a normal, romantic/sexual/potentially long term, committed, relationship with someone, it was always the men I was corresponding with who broke it off.

And the reasons they (about half a dozen, or so, over the course of many years) gave were nearly identical to each other: That I wasn’t exactly doing anything wrong, and we were compatible in many other ways, but there was just something missing between us, and they couldn’t tell me exactly how to find that missing thing.

(None of us knew the words “aromantic” or “asexual,” I don’t think. I don’t know how things would have gone differently if we had known)

So I accept the label “queer,” because Other People have noticed something odd about me that we couldn’t quite name, that goes beyond my merely having a disability (Which is invisible/irrelevant on the Internet).

Three: Now that I have the words for “Asexual,” “Aromantic.” and “Queer Platonic,” I’ve looked back over my life and recognized all the times I have been in love... But ...

Although I now have words for how I don’t feel attraction, I’m still lacking words for all the different forms of love I have felt, in a way that I can express it without semi-long form essays like this one.

So I use the word “queer” because I realize my experiences are skewed within the framework of my native language, and I don’t really have any other word that fits better.

Comments

[talkswithwind]

I sometimes think back and wonder how things might have been different if Ace/Aro had been actually discussed concepts back when my orientation was emerging. It would have helped explain much of my immediate post-college years.

[capri0mni]

Same. It would have made the during college years easier to navigate, too. ;-)

"Queer Studies" didn't start emerging on college campuses until after I'd left school, but if I'd had the chance to read the course description in my course catalog as a Freshmen, I probably would have signed up for at least one class as an elective, even though I identified as Straight, back then, simply because I'm a sucker for the intersection of art, culture, and politics.

...And if I had been able to take such a course, I might have realized I wasn't straight a lot earlier, even if I took longer to understand my Ace/Aro orientation.

(Aside: like most people my view of heterosexuality was based on my parents' relationship, but looking back on their lives now [after they've both died], I think they were both on the ace/aro spectrum -- at least, demi- -- themselves. So-o-o... yeah. My calibration was way off from the beginning)

[sonia]

... Huh. Parents being ace/aro was not something I had thought to consider before. Thanks!

And thanks for the whole post. I had someone tell me that putting "queer-friendly" on my website was offensive, so I looked into it, and decided firmly that it was fine. I place myself under the "queer" umbrella, and I want to invite others who do also into my practice.

PS: May I post a link?

[capri0mni]

Taking things in reverse order:

You May!

Evidence to the point of having ace/aro parents: My parents married in 1962, when the cultural norm was to marry in your early 20s... My mother was 27, and my father was 34.

My mother proposed to my father by saying: "You know... If we got married, we could cosign on a mortgage, and buy a house. And if we bought a house, we could have cats." And that was the argument that persuaded him.

I'm an only child, and I wasn't conceived until nearly a year after they were married. Granted, my father was a junior airline pilot at the time, so scheduling might have gotten in the way. But it's not like they were itching to jump each other's bones.

My mother once told me that one of the best things about being married was to have someone who can check you for ticks after you come in from a walk in the woods.

So... yeah. Not definitive, by any means, but signs indicate chances substantially greater than zero ;-)

[sonia]

Those do seem like pretty good clues! "... we could have cats" is adorable.

My parents married in 1965. My mom was 23 and my dad was 28, back from getting his PhD. So not as late as your parents, but my mom did say she was considered an old maid at that point. And I (eldest) wasn't born until 4 years after that. For me it's more the feeling in the house that came to mind, than any specific stories. And my own bumpy history with relationships. They did have two double beds next to each other, instead of one big bed.

[capri0mni]

"... we could have cats" is adorable.

Yes. Yes, it is.

You know, hanging out on Tumblr, at the intersection of the Disability* and Queer/LGBTQ communities. I see so many posts about tips for surviving abuse and gaslighting from your family, that I often feel a sense of survivor's guilt, because I can not relate. My parents were supportive of each other, and of me.

*(An aside, but another connection between Disability and Queer identities: Did you know that one of the most accepted "therapies" for autism: "Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA)," is just rebranded Gay Conversion Therapy, complete with electric shock, applied to little kids? )

[sonia]

Yay for supportive parents! We need more good things in the world!

Re: your aside, D: D: D: I knew it was bad, but I didn't know it was that bad!

[capri0mni]

Its well known in the Autisic community, but not outside of it (where it's most needed, unfortunately), that Autism $peaks is a hate group. So I'm going to start here, to spread the word among the neurotypicals that in April (When Autism Speaks has their "Light it up blue" campaign), the Autistic community has a counter movement of "Red, instead."

And also, there are better organizations to support, including (in the U.S,):

The Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN), and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary Network (AWN).

AWN, in particular, was founded to counter the misinformation (spread by Autism Speaks and others) that Autism only, or mostly, affects cis boys (That's why their puzzle piece symbol is blue, you see ... so not only are they ableist, they're also believers in the strict gender binary).

So, yeah... a lot of overlap between Disability and Queerness; even though the barriers we face are all different, it turns out the authorities putting those barriers in place are all the same people.

[soc_puppet]

Seconding sonia, because holy crap that is deeply fucked up 😱

[capri0mni]

Yeah... There's a reason I chose black as the field color for my flag. In my first design, I was going to have it be white, with a black triangle in the canton (Where the stars are, on the U.S. flag), to commemorate the badges that the Nazis made those unable to work wear.

But then, I realized that with no breeze, a mostly-white flag would look too much like surrender, and I was like: "Oh, hell, no!"

[beatrice_otter]

But it's TOTALLY BETTER NOW, you know because most of them don't use "aversives" to punish behavior they don't like (although their professional organization refuses to censure the Judge Rotenburg Center, which DOES still use electric shock)! Instead, what they do, is remove every source of pleasure in the victim's life--favorite foods, clothes they like, toys, everything-- and only dole it out as a reward for compliance during therapy sessions! And the fact that kids then ask for therapy (because it's the only time they are allowed anything pleasurable at all) means that it's totally good for them and not abusive or fucked up at all!

shudders

Oh! And it's not dog training for kids. Not even close. Because, although dog training uses some similar methodology, dog trainers have a code of ethics that requires them to consider if the thing they're training the dog to do is an ethical thing to train them to do, and also if the methods are ethical to use. ABA therapy has no such ethical constraints.

[capri0mni]

it's not dog training for kids. Not even close. Because, although dog training uses some similar methodology, dog trainers have a code of ethics

Exactly!

I saw a bit of Tumblr art a while back that I cannot find again (because Tumblr) that said: "Light it up, Blue!" with a picture of the cartoon dog from Blue's Clues throwing a Molotov Cocktail at Autism $peak$'s puzzle piece symbol.

That's the only use of that saying that I will endorse.

[beatrice_otter]

Nice!

[capri0mni]

Bwa-ha-ha!

[alexseanchai]

—I am eyeing these two comments with a horrified sort of fascination. Because I know why I am thirty-one and unpartnered (guess!), when my sisters are (in ascending age order) partnered, engaged, and married-and-pregnant. But if one were to ask my mother why she didn't get married till a week before she turned thirty, the answer she'd give would have something to do with Dad enlisting in the USAF. (He was at basic training elsewhere in the States for the originally planned wedding date of the June before Mom turned thirty.)

Nothing whatsoever to do with maybe my mother is ace- and/or aro-spec. She's the sort of Catholic who doesn't believe those words mean things.

And like I know she's had sex at least five times? (I'm the oldest of five kids.) But that doesn't exactly rule anything out here?

[capri0mni]

But that doesn't exactly rule anything out here?

It certainly does not. I think of my own asexuality in this way:

One: However I feel about the physical sensations of sex,* those feelings are not "sparked" or intensified by the involvement of other people.

Two: And the feelings I have for other people -- my sense of connection and care for them -- are not strengthened or made more important by the inclusion (or expectation) of sex.


*(I happen to be aegosexual, and happen to enjoy it -- as a solo activity, but it's not an enjoyment I'd plan my future life around; "Cake" is a stereotypical ace metaphor because it's apt)

[cbrachyrhynchos]

Great post. My personal perspective is that I use "queer" because these things are messy and intersectional. I've never been bashed in a way that was exclusively about my gender or my sexuality. It's always been both.

And the fact that Queers Read This was distributed the year I chose to come out and do community activism probably helped.

And lately I'm just so frustrated with wank that tries to pick fights between my gender and my sexuality. "Queer" communicates the intersection of anti-femininity and anti-gay prejudice that I have to deal with. It includes the embrace of queer theology, queer theory, and queer art which actively critiques the social construction of sexuality and gender. Lately if I say "bi," many people try to put me in an insulated box of rhetoric. Those people are wrong about "bi," but "queer" outflanks them.

[capri0mni]

but "queer" outflanks them

Bwa-ha-ha!

There's also the older, more ordinary meaning of "queer," which is just "weird," or "strange." And I'll happily take that, too.

I've seen what you have to do to be considered "normal." No thanks.

[moon_custafer]

Out of curiosity, what’s the flag in your icon? It’s rather striking.

[capri0mni]

That's the Disability Pride Flag I designed (and officially registered as Public Domain) this last Pride Month. The second Sticky!Post on my journal has a plain version for downloading, etc.

Here's what the symbolism means:

The Black Field: Mourning for all those who’ve suffered abuse and violence, because of ableism, also the connection to the pirates’ Jolly Roger flag, and general rebellion.

The five colors (from bottom/left to top/right): the wide variety of types of disability: Mental illness, Intellectual disability, Invisible or Undiagnosed Disability, Physical Disability, and Sensory disability.

The zigzag shape: how disabled people have to always navigate barriers in the normate world & and the creative problem solving we do every day.

The parallel nature of the stripes represent Disability Solidarity, even though our individual needs and experiences are different.

[moon_custafer]

Ah, thanks.

[mommy]

Thank you for writing this!

I identify as queer, and I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I've had romantic feelings for people of various genders, but none were men as far as I know. I just can't be bothered with the more physical side of things, which occasionally made my twenties (and my DW username) a little awkward. I find queer to be a nice concise way to express myself without going into detail.

I like being a little odd. Queer is comfortable for me.

[capri0mni]

*nod*

As I said in this post, I'm also aromantic. But back when I thought I was straight, I thought I just didn't like our culture's current romance aesthetic -- I saw "romance" as just a rote script that people were expected to follow, and it was a script that explicitly excluded people with "imperfect" bodies, like mine.

It was only recently, after someone asked some "What if" questions, that I realized I'm actually romance repulsed -- that regardless of the aesthetic, being the primary focus of someone else's emotional desire feels kind of icky, to me. And this probably ties into my (almost) life long questioning of the supremacy of monogamous marriages.

English has the word "platonic" for affection that is neither sexual nor romantic, but it covers such a broad spectrum of intensity, from "This is my work colleague" to "I would die for this person," that it's not quite satisfactory when talking to someone who doesn't already know what you mean.

So, yeah... "queer" covers a lot of gaps in our language.

[pink_ink]

i really enjoyed reading your post!

personally, i also use queer in a similar way. there's just so many ways it intersects with my other identities that ... queer feels like the most concise but also accurate term to use.

[capri0mni]

Exactly!

It may be true that there are many ways to be "normal" in any given culture (variety of social roles and expectations), and in spite of that "Queer" is like saying: "Still 'none of the above'."

[cesy]

Thank you, this was interesting and thought-provoking.

[capri0mni]

You're welcome. And thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.