Mod Post: The Place of Cisgender Allo-Hetero Perisex People in Queerly Beloved

[soc_puppet]

Something I've been mulling over since Queerly Beloved's inception:

If we accept questioning people (and my conscience says we must), then we also need to accept that some of them might find the answer is they're not queer/LGBTQIAP+. It's rare, I know, especially for folks who spend a good amount of time asking themselves, but they do exist. What happens when to them? I don't want to kick them out of a community where they've found support that they need, and especially where they can potentially support others as well; if they stay, how might their role in the community change?

After long consideration, I have some potential guidelines to propose; they are currently open to community members for commentary and input:

Cisgender allo-hetero perisex people are allowed, but should not make any post all about themselves unless they have actual, first-hand lived experience with an issue. Examples include questioning one's gender and/or sexuality, and supporting a queer/LGBTQIAP+ loved one, especially where any of these intersect with other marginalizations. Queer/LGBTQIAP+ voices are still to be prioritized on queer/LGBTQIAP+ issues.

This should allow anyone who has discovered that they're cis allo-het and presumed perisex to continue to support the community, as well as solidifying a place for other allies, while still prioritizing queer/LGBTQIAP+ people. However, there may still be some things that I'm missing or haven't thought of. Do any of you have any input on this proposed policy?

Edit: There's already a lot of good discussion in the comments section, proving that yes, I definitely didn't think of everything! I wanted to say thank you to everyone who's added something so far, and I promise I'm reading, I'm just also a teensy bit foggy at the moment. Please continue to share your insights and constructive criticism, and together we can try and find a good balance for community policy 👍

Comments

[ahunter3]

I went through DECADES of not knowing if I had any appropriate business positioning myself as part of L+G / LGBT / LGBTQ (it changed over time as you'll recall) community. I knew I was different and I had my own descriptive terms for it, but they weren't being used by others who were already presenting as part of that group and I didn't know if I'd be welcome. (Identical questions as far as being part of the feminist community, by the way — when does "being in a similar situation with similar concerns" equate to "one of us"?).

I *tend* to think that anyone questioning for very long is only questioning because there's some fundamental sense of difference from the orientation / gender mainstream. The person may keep considering various MOGII identities and shaking their head and saying "nope, that's still not it, it's something else" but their questioning implies that they started out shaking their head and saying that very thing about being cis / het / endosex mainstream.

[sciatrix]

*coughs* Oh, hey, that's how I feel about gender at this point. It's... ugh, I gotta delve into that and figure out if there actually is a "my people!" somewhere, but I often feel like a gender lumper in a world of splitters. Gender non-conforming fits best for me, but it's frequently hard to articulate clearly why I am simultaneously very particular about my gender presentation, know damn well that this presentation does set me apart from most women, experience great distress if I'm forced to inhabit another presentation...

...and still feel completely comfortable lumping that presentation and gender "tradition" under the broader category of "female." I just think that broad category contains a lot more gender traditions than we all tend to think. And that perspective is rather at odds with most of the stable-nonbinary folks I know, and it's not a fluid thing at all, and genderqueer might work fine but there's still not a clear way for me to answer the question most of the time.

So. Yeah. What you say sounds right to me, yes.